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Deciphering the Language of Men

Friday, March 16th, 2012

Just like the elusive language of women, men are not excluded from this phenomenon. However it is markedly different by way of meaning. What Men Really Mean When They Say…

I’m hungry.

What it means?

I’m hungry. Make me food.

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Hi. I saw you sitting here. What are you drinking?

What it means?

I’m going to buy you one drink, then I’m going to negotiate my chances of seeing you later in hopefully a more comfortable place. Preferably with food.

Corkscrew Cufflinks--not a position, just an accessoryCorkscrew Cufflinks–not a position, just an accessory

I think I’m gonna go watch the game with the boys this weekend.

What it means?

I want to watch the game.

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Feminism killed chivalry.

What it means?

I’m too lazy to put in work to please a woman.

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I love your new hair cut honey! And that grey eye shadow goes great with your dress.

What it means?

I’m gay. I’m coming out soon. Sorry, you’ll be the first to know.

 

I don’t get the difference between the Chanel bag and a regular bag? It’s almost fascist to buy one.

What it means?

I just don’t get it. Who makes this Chanel thing? I’m just using fascism to hide my cheapness and the fact that there’s no way in hell I’ll ever spend that much for a sack.

 

The only girls that will be there are other wives and girlfriends. I promise! Don’t worry.

What it means?

I’m hoping to get lucky with one of the wives. But if not, the girlfriends will still be there…

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Trust me…

What it means?

Don’t trust me.

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Honestly…

What it means?

I’m forming a lie in my head as we speak…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Drink Says About You

Thursday, February 23rd, 2012

 

What Your Drink Says About You

Bud Light: Follower. Lacks definitive taste. Trouble making decisions . Only acceptable at Frat parties, beer pong, and…that, quite frankly, is it.

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High Life: Settled. Comfortable. A medium between the Bud Light Guy and the Craft Beer. It’s acceptable.

PBR: Low maintenance and will go for anything. Looking for something quick, easy deal, and cheap–maybe even in your women as well. Not cool.

Craft Beer: A man who knows what he wants/someone who is not cheap. Likes to try new things. Adventurous. Beer comes in many variations, styles, and brands. So when a man orders a local/craft beer at a bar, any bar, it shows good taste. There’s almost nothing worse than a man who drinks Natural Light or PBR at a nightclub or restaurant.

Beer Mug CufflinksBeer Mug Cufflinks

Whiskey, up/on rocks: A man’s man. Rugged. Tough. A confident, no fuss, laid back kind of guy. It’s alright if it’s mixed with a little coke too, but it’s always better if you can handle the scotch/bourbon/whiskey straight up, with no fluff. Sip slowly. Can be followed/mixed with a light or craft beer.

Vodka with mixer: A lady’s man. You’re in the clear. Stay away from too many garnishes (cherries, oranges, limes, etc) and fancy straws. Other than that, you’re good.

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Gin with mixer: An “old world’ kind of guy. Older gentleman. Stuck in the 1930s. Debatable. We’re still trying to figure out who this Gin guy is…

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Martini (vodka): You’re questionable. If it’s a Gin martini, it can be appropriate on a date. A martini, for a gentlemen, is never acceptable at a dive bar or a local restaurant spot. It is okay if you’re at a lounge, an upscale restaurant/bar and are possibly wearing a tie. Seeing a guy in jeans, at a dive bar, drinking a martini with extra olives is just…wrong.

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Wine: Either a Snob or Worldly. Wine is suitable for men on a date under limited circumstances. The first one is you must or should be eating a meal with this wine. White for a fish (white meat, pasta, etc) dish, red for a steak (red meat) dish. It signifies that you are a classy, well-rounded, worldly man who knows how to enjoy his food and get the best out of his meal. It is not, however, recommended that you drink wine alone or order it while sitting at a bar stool, unless you are at a wine tasting. Also, when the cork is presented to you and you are to sample the first sip, do not go overboard on the swishing, gurgling, and aromatic gesturing–it’s just obnoxious, not to mention a major turn off.

WIne Cask CufflinksWine Cask Cufflinks

Soda/Coke/Ginger ale alone: You’re a recovered alcoholic, drug addict, reformed party-er. If not, what are you doing at a bar? And more importantly, why don’t you drink? If it’s because of religion, maybe you shouldn’t be a bar in the first place…