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What Does Your Car Say About You?

Saturday, August 18th, 2012

 

 

 

In case you didn’t know, Askmen.com has it going on, really. Among their amazing articles fit for all eyes male was this golden nugget of truth stashed away in the archives. Thanks Thomas Bey, the Automotive Expert at Askmen.com for this article. This time, what topic was the culprit? What your car says about you.

Think you’re not judged by your ride? Think again!

Here are just a few “connecting judgments” about you and your motorized transportation system. We’ve slightly edited Askmen.com’s original article to get to the direct point (for humor and truth sake of course) and posting below:

Big Guys in Little Cars

It’s more or less like the “fat guy in a little coat” … Just the act of these larger-than-life men getting in or out makes onlookers pause, while an imaginary drum roll plays during the feat, and they all wait with bated breath. Yet once they’re underway, somewhere inside their inner children are having the times of their lives.

The rides: MINI Cooper, Lotus Elise, Mazda Miata, Honda Fit, smart fortwo, and vintage British roadsters.

Mazda Car Logo Oval Cufflinks

The Big Guy Rides a tiny MAZDA Miata

The Porcupine

What’s the difference between actual porcupines and these guys’ rides? A porcupine’s pricks are on the outside. Thank you very much, we’ll be here all week — tip your waitress. That’s a bad joke, but it gets laughs every time. You know who doesn’t laugh? The Porcupines. They think they’ve earned the right to hurry up, tailgate and cut off traffic just so they can slow down and assert their presence on all the lesser motorists, take that oh-so-important call and generally ignore their driving while they dream of the next round of golf or the next opportunity they’ll have to buy something beige.

The rides: Porsche Cayenne, Hummer H2 or any other luxury SUV; also the smug nimrod who drives a BMW, Mercedes or Porsche convertible with the top down and windows up while wearing a hat.

Red iconic Car CufflinksRed iconic Car Cufflinks

Testosterossa

This is a well-represented category…It’s populated by guys who think velocity equals virility.  So, with shirts open and gold chains resting on a nest of chest hair, they flaunt what they think they’ve got and cruise for chicks. And they do get noticed. Women everywhere point and smile at them. If the guys weren’t cranking Boston’s Greatest Hits so loudly, they’d realize the ladies were actually laughing.

The rides:
Camaro/Firebird, Corvette, Viper, and European exotics that have never had track time.

Chrome Wheel CufflinksChrome Wheel Cufflinks

Two Guys in a Subaru… Wait, Those Aren’t Guys

We’ll be very generous and allow the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like most of the Subarus we see driven by guys are WRXs. As for the Impreza, Outback and Forester wagons, well… sometimes we think we see guys in them, given the flannel and the mullets and whatnot. But then, closer inspection reveals we couldn’t be more wrong. Whoa, sorry, our mistake. Um, we males tend to do that, what with our proclivities toward failure. Ahem. We’ll just move on to the next category. Please don’t hurt us.

The rides: Any model of Subaru wagon or similar small crossover SUV.

Enamel Dump Truck CufflinksEnamel Dump Truck Cufflinks

Nugent’s Disciples

For these revelers of the life simplistic, The Nuge is god and Larry the Cable Guy is a kindred soul (even if he does get a little cerebral on ‘em every now and again). They have actually plead, “Git ‘er done” in front of a judge. Like the Two Guys in a Subaru, the mullet is a timeless form of self-expression, although they’ll disagree with the other group on everything else. They also have little to no regard for wildlife, soap, forethought, orthodontics, peace and quiet, condoms, shirt sleeves, sustained sobriety, or climbing the corporate step stool. Their rides are bigger than the trailers they live in — and more expensive.

The rides: Any oversize, sky-high domestic 4×4 pickup that’s bigger, better-equipped and more expensive than the trailer next to it. Mandatory features are a gun rack, sketchy exhaust and any or all of the following stickers: favorite NASCAR driver number, “Fear This,” confederate flag, Calvin peeing on something.

PIN UP GIRL CUFFLINKS

PIN UP GIRL CUFFLINKS

Mom Jeans on Wheels

Apparently, some couples abruptly conclude that breeding marked the zenith of their lives. Nothing to do now but throw on some mom jeans or pleated khakis, white sneakers, buy a neutral-toned anony-mobile and wait to die, like suburban salmon. If that’s you, we offer our condolences and a little advice: In keeping with your kind, make sure the spiffy new car has a DVD player so you can zombify your kids with yet another video, thus continuing to avoid real communication or discipline. If weekend trips to the outlet mall and a chain restaurant are all the enjoyable pizzazz you need to spice up your life, you may as well drive accordingly. When you set the cruise control a little under the speed limit just to be safe, just stay in the right lane, please; the rest of us are attempting to conduct lives, OK?

The rides: Dodge Caravan, Toyota Camry, Chevy Impala. As long as it’s anything that doesn’t make waves — that would be swell.