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Why You Should Shop Online for Black Friday

Sunday, November 24th, 2013

1. Long lines

You know it’s love when…the line doesn’t just end at the “Enter here” sign–it extendes, or travels rather, past the entry sign, down the hall, through the Children’s department, passes a different register, and ends next to a drafty door with foreign tourists traipsing back and forth through the entryway. Love, right?

 

2. Heavy coats mixed with air conditioned, crowded rooms

Whilst one your way to the actual store, you’re bundled and cozy, warm and confident. Then you step into a department store sauna, and suddenly your forehead begins to perspire, your hands sweat, the silk blouse you’re wearing underneath saturates itself with your sweat, and then your great “Black Friday” hairdo gets dampened by the humid breath all around you.

 

SHOP ONLINE.

3. Babies and bad mothers

You see a stroller with a baby. Two legs in one stroller hole, the child has a lump of dusty hair in one hand and a lollipop in another, whilst the wandering- sale- seeker- of- a negligent- mother combs through a clearance rack. The baby starts to cry. The mother doesn’t flinch and continues her combing.

SHOP ONLINE.

 

4. Crappy music on the loud speakers

Because there’s only so many times you can hear jingle bells and not think of the lack of jingling dough in your wallet.

5. Traffic

Red light. Blue light. Green light. Middle finger. Grandma in Cadillac up ahead. Stopped to fix the lens on her scratched glasses. Yellow Light. Red Light. Blue sirens. Stop. Go. Stop.

 

6. Sales tax

A $160 item ends up becoming $200 somehow. What’re you guys just making up the sales tax now?

7. Bad customer service

“Hi, can you tell me the price of this?”
“Um, doesn’t it say??”
Look through the item over, turning it every which direction to find the price.
“Oh, yeah no it doesn’t. Can you price check it for me?”
Eye roll. Fifteen minutes later.
“We can’t sell it now, because it doesn’t have a price tag.”

Oh goodness…bejesus.

SHOP ONLINE.

 

8. Gum chewing, eye rolling cashiers

Walk up to the register. No response to your human presence. Chatter with co-worker. Gum snapping.
“You have ______ credit card?”
“No.”
“Oh, do you want one?”
“No, thanks.”
“Do you want _____ discount card?”
“No, thanks. Just these.”
“Well, if you ______, and then _____, you get ______.”
“No, really thank you. Just this.”
“Whatever.”
Resume chatter with co-worker disrespectfully. No response once you get your receipt and actually walk away.
“Um, have a good day?”

SHOP ONLINE.