Archive for December, 2011
Tim The Tool Man Taylor as Santa?! It’s like every 90s child’s dream come true to see him all plumb and jolly on the big screen. Too bad Al wasn’t in the film. Plus the little kid was too cute for words “I wanna go with youuuu Dad.” The film as a film isn’t bad either, the acting is decent, good story line, etc. It only starts to get bad when they insist on making a sequel…and then a sequel to that sequel. Good things never last.
Charlie Brown Christmas
“Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about??”
Yes, yes you see it every year. Rapphieee! You’ll shoooot your eye out! Remember to drink your ovaltine?!? You remember these lines clear as last weekend and there’s one reason for that: it’s a classic film. Up there with like, It’s a Wonderful Life. Of course you get sick of it after a while, you dread the 150 repeats on Christmas Day, and for some reason, after all these years, it still gives you a weird little feeling in your belly. What’s with these “kid” films anyways?
It’s not a holiday movie or anything, but totally worth watching again on Christmas. Brings back all the warm and fuzzy memories of 1995.
Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer
You know the little animation clay movie thingy, where Rudolph is some whiny, over-privileged deer and that weird Elf just wants to be a dentist. What elf wants to be a dentist? Another strange film, but let’s face it, it helped shape your childhood. There was a time in your young years that you even wanted to be a dentist too…
Home Alone 1 & 2
It’s a Wonderful Life
Oh Clarence! Mary! The children! Zuzu! How blind I’ve been! Ah, gotta love it.
A surprisingly good new-ish holiday movie. We love it when the guys from Swingers reunite. We can all relate to at least some part of this film…
Will Ferrell is the man. The classic “Bro” film for the holidays.
National Lampoons Christmas
Oh Chevy Chase! What else can possibly go wrong on your Christmas?
1. The Coupons that Say Spend $25 get $10 off., but the Fine Print Reads: (Does not apply to sale items, clearance items, jewelry, cosmetics, handbags, shoes, clothes, watches, men’s wear, children’s wear, home goods, furniture, women’s wear, or anything in the store. Just throw this coupon away. It’s essentially good for nothing)
2. You Ask for…. a gift box and they give you one 10 sizes too large for your purchase. Then they look at you unsympathetically and say “Sorry. We’re out of the smaller ones. Come back next season.” I mean really, what the heck are you going to do with a coat box for a scarf??
3. You go to the mall the DAY after Christmas and the sweater you spent $50 on is now only $15, the video game you bought your son is 20% off, and literally everything you purchased is on sale. And I’m talking about a big sale. There goes another $200 on…markups.
4. You come across that horrible gift Aunt Zelda gave you in JCPenneys and realize it was only $5, marked down to $2. Thanks Aunt Z. Really feeling the love.
How Many of these are you Guitar cufflinks of committing so far?
5. The unbearable hot flashes you get while shopping because you have not just two shirts on, but an under shirt, a heavy pea coat lined with shearling, two pairs of socks, and a hat (which you can’t take off because your hair is an utter disaster). Then you strip down in the store to just one shirt and have to carry it all the rest of the shopping trip. (If you’re a man, you have to hold all of these layers for the lady, including the heavy coat.) Seriously, where are the coat checks??
6. The moment of panic when you’re standing in the middle of a department store and completely forget 1. why you’re there 2. who you’re shopping for 3. what they specifically asked for a few weeks before. You then proceed to the “candle” section because it’s generic enough and everyone needs another Yankee candle.
7. The moment of panic when you’re standing in the middle of a parking lot, strapped with five shopping bags, keys in hand, and completely forget….where you parked the car. So you idly wonder the parking lot, pretending you know exactly where your going, pressing the “alarm” button on the keytag, praying that you’ll hear it or see the flashing lights, smiling all the way so no one knows you forgot where you parked your car, and eventually hit straight panic mode and start running because you realize you’re going senile.
In every long line there is that self-righteous person on their cell phone, talking loudly about who knows what, dreaming they are the only person in the room. The conversations are never important either. It’s not a business call, or a trip to the emergency room, or a sick child…it’s normally about why Suzie’s husband left her, why you’re mad at Suzie, or why Suzie didn’t offer to come shopping you with even though she’s sick and husband-less. By the time you’re two people away from the check-out you realize that you know almost every detail about Suzie’s waking life and are tempted to throw down your merchandise, walk up to Ms. Self-Righteous, hang up her Metro PCS phone, slap her with your holiday shopping bags dangling from your arm, and tell her to just “LEAVE Britne…I mean Suzie alone!!” and run off crying.
3. Slow Clerks
“How you want to pay for that? Credit or debit? Would you like to sign up for our email list? Would you like to give your phone number to win a 1,000 prize? Would you like to complete a survey regarding your shopping experience today? Would you like to donate $5 to the Gifts for Children fund? Would you like this gift wrapped? Do you have our special weekly coupon? Do you know your fly is down and you have mustard in your beard?” All of the above is said in the most aggravating, monotone, “I-hate-working-retail-but-I-need-the-extra-cash-for-my-five-disgruntled-children-at-home” gesture and look (especially when folding your newly purchased products). Then they stare at you with a vague gaze and mumble “Happy Holidays” and apathetically say “Next!” like you are cattle.
4. You Always Get Hungry
You pass the roasted nut booths, Starbucks, the smoothie stand, McDonalds, the Chinese place is giving out free little pieces of chicken, you smell fried chicken coming from somewhere else, you walk by a man with a chocolate cake and wonder where he got it, you smell peppermint everywhere, and every single time you pass Bath and Body works you get hungry because your mind doesn’t know the difference between Apple Spice Lotion and Apple Spice Pie. (What’s with this pseudo edible scents anyways, you wonder…) That’s right. Go spend another $10 on a coffee and muffin to assuage your hunger…you’ll be at it again in another 20 minutes. Shopping always makes you ravished.
5. Never Wear The Right Shoes
Men, women, children. You all do it. Take that long journey downtown, or to the mall, or wherever you go to shop, and you never seem to wear the right shoes. If you take someone with you, they manage to complain about their feet within the first hour. And of course, you resort to the “Why did you wear those shoes when you knew we were shopping all day” response, with a roll of the eye. Then you have to spend more money buying another pair of shoes for ______ (said person), by which time everyone is exhausted and just wants an ice cream, and you wait in line for that for 45 minutes and by the time you know it, you don’t even want to shop anymore and the stores are closing anyways!! Uh. Whew. Simply put, wear the right shoes.
6. Shopping With Your Significant Other
“What should we buy Dad?” “I don’t know.” “How about this hat?” “Its proportions are slightly off, it’s only a small percentage of wool, and honestly, I think it’s two dollars cheaper across the street.” “We’re getting the damn hat.”
7. Pesty Sales People
Conversation goes something like…”Oh! Let me HELP you! Try this and this and this…oh that’s not good? Try this! Oh he’ll love this! Oh it’s for a lady? She’ll LOVE this! Best price around! Want me to wrap it for you?” “I just picked up this scarf…I just wanted to…touch it?”
8. So-Called Sales Prices
Ever see something that is “marked down” from an astronomical price and it’s obvious that it’s “original” price is really the sale price? Really grinds our gears. Just have the prices at what the merchandise is! Yes, yes, we’re all attracted to a “Sale” but please department stores, do a better job at it to salvage our holiday sanity.
These Round Checked 50s Throwback Cufflinks are ALWAYS $25 bucks. No sale, they just are what they are..
*Note Number 2. is missing from this because the Reason Number 4 ate it.
I’m thinking of something….
1. Heartfelt Card
There’s nothing like an honest heartfelt card around the holidays. Just make sure it’s not too honest—you don’t want to go bringing up old tiffs and trysts with Papa Bear now. Tell him how much you appreciate him, how invaluable he is, and include a little personal memory that only you would remember.
2. Swiss Army Knife
Every man can use a new pocket knife. Think of the one dad already owns? Crusty old thing. Throw it out! Get him a new one! Of course one of the most trusted brands is The Swiss Army Knife and even comes with the little plastic toothpick for those unsightly “gum food”. Get the guy something handy.
Think about it—it’s quite simply a no brainer. He can wear them to work, golfing, formal dinners, meetings, at your child’s christening and graduation…they will come in handy very soon. We have a range of moderately priced cufflinks to fit your budget and Dad’s style (or lack there of) and we have a cufflink set for literally every Dad personality out there. Choose from Homer Simpson Cufflinks, Navy Cufflinks, or Hand Painted Animal Cufflinks
Duh. Every year. He needs another tie.
4. New Tool
Right before the holidays, tool kits and individual tools normally go on sale. Keep an eye out on the Sunday ads, online sales, free shipping deals, etc. A simple drill, or 10-in-1 kind of tool is always good.
….Appealing to the Male Ego’s love of sound and projection
6. Surround Sound System for Home
Let’s face it—dad’s hearing is going a little haywire these days. (Think: “What? What?? What?? I can’t hear you! Turn up the TV!). Yes, his ears are going bad. But don’t worry! He can still enjoy his Monday night football and episodes of David Letterman with a surround sound system. And he doesn’t need to have a giant plasma fancy pants TV to go with it, you can simply use it with almost any set you already own. (Not sure about the rabbit ear kind of TV though…)
7. Tickets to a sports game in the New Year
What’s his favorite? Baseball? Soccer? Hockey? Pre-pay for tickets or give him an IOU for his favorite team’s sporting event.
New science discoveries show that certain parts of Mars can be habitable…albeit underground.
Three percent of Mars has the right temperature and liquid pressures to sustain life. The Huffington Post reports that it would be similar to living in Antarctica, possible if appropriately dressed.
FOR RENT OR SALE: Large property, offering huge panoramic vistas, idyllic average temperature of 81 degrees Fahrenheit below zero. Habitable and available immediately. Full Disclosure: It’s actually underground — and it’s on Mars.
Man Arrested For Planking Around Town
“It’s official, even the police have had enough with this planking nonsense.
A Wisconsin municipal court convicted 19-year-old Alexander Hart of disorderly conduct on Tuesday after the Manitowoc man used social media to post photographs of himself engaged in the stiff-bodied prank at several locations around town.
The 10 photographs presented as evidence to the court show Hart lying across an ATM machine, boxed merchandise at a Wal-Mart, several lawn mowers, a Walmart checkout counter, a Lowes department store shelf, and a police car.
“Mr. Hart’s laying [sic] on the squad car is disruptive to the peace and good order of the community at large,” said Kathleen McDaniel, assistant city attorney, in a written court brief, the International Business Times reports.”—Report by the Huffington Post
Turkish Baths Banned For Inappropriate Behavior
Tekegraph UK Reports: “The North Yorkshire town’s Turkish Baths have offered single-sex sessions, as well as mixed sessions, since they opened back in 1897. They are one of only seven Victorian baths still in existence.
Harrogate Council announced last month that it would be ending the all-male sessions in January, blaming finances. But a councillor has now admitted covering up complaints about the antics of some bathers – saying she didn’t want to ruin the town’s good name.
Cabinet member for culture, Coun Caroline Bayliss said the authority had been forced to act following repeated allegations from members of the public, stretching back several years. We have unfortunately had complaints from other male users of the Turkish Baths.
“These are problems that are very difficult for our staff to deal with over a period of a number of years.”
Cat Inherits Millions of Euros
Italian black cat inherits 10 million euros after the death of his widowed, heiress owner.
He was originally an alley cat saved from the mean streets of Rome and now he’s a millionaire equipped with shares and a property empire which includes flats and houses in Rome and Milan and land in Calabria.
The Telegraphy UK reports: “Tommaso went from flea-bitten alley cat to “pussy galore” after being rescued by a lonely old lady, named only as Maria Assunta, who was married to a property tycoon but widowed at an early age. The couple had no children.
She became besotted with her pet but as her health began to fail, feared for his future.
So in November 2009 she wrote out a will in which she bequeathed her “entire estate” to the unknowing Tommaso.
“We’re convinced that Stefania is the right person to carry out the old lady’s wishes. She loves animals just like the woman she devoted herself to right up until the end.”
The nurse said she had no inkling that her charge was so rich. “I promised her that I would look after the cat when she was no longer around. She wanted to be sure that Tommaso would be loved and cuddled. But I never imagined that she had this sort of wealth. She was very discreet and quite, I knew very little of her private life. She only told me that she had suffered from loneliness a lot.”
Tommaso now lives with his new owner and another cat in a house outside Rome. The address is being kept a secret, out of fears that the newly-enriched moggy will be besieged by fortune hunters and con men.” By Nick Squires, Rome
US Man Published Fake Obituary of Mother to Get Bereavement Pay at Work
“Scott Bennett, a US man, published a fake obituary for his living mother in a ploy to get paid bereavement time off work, police have alleged.
Relatives called The Jeffersonian Democrat newspaper in Pennsylvania after the obituary appeared to say the woman was actually alive and well.
The woman herself then visited the paper.
Police charged 45-year-old Bennett on Tuesday with disorderly conduct.
Newspaper editor Randy Bartley said he accepted the obituary in good faith after being unable to confirm the funeral arrangements at press time.
He told The Derrick newspaper on Friday that the woman was very understanding.”