Archive for December 18th, 2011
In every long line there is that self-righteous person on their cell phone, talking loudly about who knows what, dreaming they are the only person in the room. The conversations are never important either. It’s not a business call, or a trip to the emergency room, or a sick child…it’s normally about why Suzie’s husband left her, why you’re mad at Suzie, or why Suzie didn’t offer to come shopping you with even though she’s sick and husband-less. By the time you’re two people away from the check-out you realize that you know almost every detail about Suzie’s waking life and are tempted to throw down your merchandise, walk up to Ms. Self-Righteous, hang up her Metro PCS phone, slap her with your holiday shopping bags dangling from your arm, and tell her to just “LEAVE Britne…I mean Suzie alone!!” and run off crying.
3. Slow Clerks
“How you want to pay for that? Credit or debit? Would you like to sign up for our email list? Would you like to give your phone number to win a 1,000 prize? Would you like to complete a survey regarding your shopping experience today? Would you like to donate $5 to the Gifts for Children fund? Would you like this gift wrapped? Do you have our special weekly coupon? Do you know your fly is down and you have mustard in your beard?” All of the above is said in the most aggravating, monotone, “I-hate-working-retail-but-I-need-the-extra-cash-for-my-five-disgruntled-children-at-home” gesture and look (especially when folding your newly purchased products). Then they stare at you with a vague gaze and mumble “Happy Holidays” and apathetically say “Next!” like you are cattle.
4. You Always Get Hungry
You pass the roasted nut booths, Starbucks, the smoothie stand, McDonalds, the Chinese place is giving out free little pieces of chicken, you smell fried chicken coming from somewhere else, you walk by a man with a chocolate cake and wonder where he got it, you smell peppermint everywhere, and every single time you pass Bath and Body works you get hungry because your mind doesn’t know the difference between Apple Spice Lotion and Apple Spice Pie. (What’s with this pseudo edible scents anyways, you wonder…) That’s right. Go spend another $10 on a coffee and muffin to assuage your hunger…you’ll be at it again in another 20 minutes. Shopping always makes you ravished.
5. Never Wear The Right Shoes
Men, women, children. You all do it. Take that long journey downtown, or to the mall, or wherever you go to shop, and you never seem to wear the right shoes. If you take someone with you, they manage to complain about their feet within the first hour. And of course, you resort to the “Why did you wear those shoes when you knew we were shopping all day” response, with a roll of the eye. Then you have to spend more money buying another pair of shoes for ______ (said person), by which time everyone is exhausted and just wants an ice cream, and you wait in line for that for 45 minutes and by the time you know it, you don’t even want to shop anymore and the stores are closing anyways!! Uh. Whew. Simply put, wear the right shoes.
6. Shopping With Your Significant Other
“What should we buy Dad?” “I don’t know.” “How about this hat?” “Its proportions are slightly off, it’s only a small percentage of wool, and honestly, I think it’s two dollars cheaper across the street.” “We’re getting the damn hat.”
7. Pesty Sales People
Conversation goes something like…”Oh! Let me HELP you! Try this and this and this…oh that’s not good? Try this! Oh he’ll love this! Oh it’s for a lady? She’ll LOVE this! Best price around! Want me to wrap it for you?” “I just picked up this scarf…I just wanted to…touch it?”
8. So-Called Sales Prices
Ever see something that is “marked down” from an astronomical price and it’s obvious that it’s “original” price is really the sale price? Really grinds our gears. Just have the prices at what the merchandise is! Yes, yes, we’re all attracted to a “Sale” but please department stores, do a better job at it to salvage our holiday sanity.
These Round Checked 50s Throwback Cufflinks are ALWAYS $25 bucks. No sale, they just are what they are..
*Note Number 2. is missing from this because the Reason Number 4 ate it.